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 Maximus Ariya-Dance of the Shandows prt 1

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Male Number of posts : 61
Age : 26
Location : Somewhere...
Registration date : 2009-10-21

PostSubject: Maximus Ariya-Dance of the Shandows prt 1   Sun May 30, 2010 9:00 pm

Maximus drifted down the river which the rain's flood drained into. He had let it carry him, and time seemed to be questionable in length of passage. He currently held his eyes closed, serenity holding him as the water licked his body and whispered garbled secrets in his ears...

He silently wondered what his superiors were doing upon finding him absent, most likely nothing, caring little what someone of his rank may be doing during the day. He enjoyed this freedom, it reminded him of serving Joran Ariya, his adoptive father and former head of the Ariya Yakuza. Max opened his left eye slightly, surveying the sky. All he knew was night had come, and night had gone, but he remained, floating slowly and quietly down the river.

As he did so, he saw small child startled in surprise, watching him float. Max let himself drift downwards into the water, dramatically making himself seem as if he had just died... Then, a moment later, he came out of the water, swirling, suppressing the reiatsu around him to stop, hovering over the water. The boy fell backwards in surprise and Max let out a amused laugh falling down and landing upon the water, resuming his serene journey.

He wondered where he was, where he'd been, and where the water was taking him, the unknown destinations filling him with excitement, but he still missed the savory battle against Yorundar. His opponent had been skilled, very skilled, and they had ended it in a draw...

Max returned to the thoughts of his old family, the Ariya Yakuza. He wondered if it was possible someone may have survived, as he did... Could that be true? The idea intrigued him, but such hope was foolish and he had a new life now, there was no return to the old ways... But if he was given the opportunity, would he take it? Would he accept it or stand as he did in his thoughts? He was unsure, wishing he could find an easier answer but unable...

As he began to drift back into a trance, he caught the scent of dried blood and ashes. He turned in the water to see a ruined structure, its body skeletal, and as he looked it over, he saw a figure that chilled him to the core...

A man in the ruins of one of the buildings, covered fully in black, holding a zanpakuto. Corpses lay around him, most mutilated beyond comprehension and suddenly Max surged forwards, the sudden appearance throwing the figure off... They blocked hastily and Max sneered at them, his features menacing.

"Why did you kill them?" he asked, anger laden in his voice.

"You?" whispered the voice in disbelief, though he could not make out male or female, they must be wearing a device to hide their voice...

Max was puzzled by the statement, but would not drop his guard, he lashed out, a leg striking against the dark figure. But in the instant he decided to do it, they moved to guard it, and even countered flawlessly, throwing Max off. He hadn't expected such a flawless response, the efficiency shaking him deeply.

Max flew through the air, a sense of vertigo seizing him as he attempted to halt his flight, but to no avail. He impacted on a far wall, much of the building collapsing around him. As he pushed himself up, he cursed, coughing violently, as the dust cleared he surged with anger, the figure no longer present... Max sneered into the distance, he would find out who did this, that was for sure...
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Male Number of posts : 153
Age : 31
Location : US of A
Registration date : 2009-09-19

PostSubject: Re: Maximus Ariya-Dance of the Shandows prt 1   Sun May 30, 2010 9:32 pm

2/2-Eloquence- Nicely written as always.
1/2-Imagery- I wish that there were more details in some areas. Like the corpse for example. Covered in black meaning Shinigami clothing or covered in black meaning Yakuza Ariya clothing. Just some more detail in areas to paint a clearer picture. I know that he had a zanpakuto...but do Ariya Yakuza have them as well? You did didn't you? >,>
1/1-Creativity- Pretty creative as usual.
3/5-Effort- Average effort on your part.

+1 for the personification of the water in the beginning. That was pretty clever.

8 EXP afro

Level 2
EXP 12/50
Unseated Officer
Age: 42
Shikai:  Saihoushi , Shitateya, Cut the strings that fasten...
hp 20
reiatsu 20
strength 5
agility 7
endurance 0
reiatsu control 0
swordsmanship 12
unarmed 0
kido 0
shunpo 0
"To truly master your blade, your mind must be sharper than the edge of your instrument."
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