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 Reality at its finest.

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Blazonio
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Male Number of posts : 84
Age : 24
Registration date : 2008-12-26

PostSubject: Reality at its finest.   Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:21 pm

“Come on, put all your weight into each strike, but maintain balance and finesse!”

“KAH”

“Feel the sword as an extension of your hand!”

“KAH!”

“Know your sword as you do your heart! To find yourself is to master your blade!”

“KAH!!”

The instructors bellowed commands resonated through out the whole of the white and orange dojo a wide space indeed, making it hard for anyone to ignore him and maintain focus on their fighting structure and poise. But this only goes for those that actually participated. In the south west corner of the dojo stood one boy standing at a healthy 6 feet in total and with an unhealthy blank look on his face, boredom had taken its toll on the boy with a fierce blow.

“Kin Estigon!!” The instructor bellowed especially loud, just for the brain dead student.

“Yes Pinster?” The boy tilted his head at the man, directing his blank stare in the instructor’s general direction.

“My name is Clegger spinster, you will address me by my title Master Spinster, got that Kin?” The Master’s face started to turn a violent red; it was obvious that Kin had gotten to him, but so easily?

“Yes Master Clegger” Kin once again answered, intentionally with the wrong name but still his face seemed dead and lifeless.

The master sighed softly and brushed back his silver hair with both hands, looking down at the fluorescent wooden flooring he started to walk toward Kin in an intimidating manner, each footstep feeling as though a 20 ton block had fallen on the floor, each breath taken felt as though a typhoon was brewing under still waters. All vibrations, all sound, movement, colour, had disappeared, it was as if the only person in the world was Master Spinster and no one else, and Kin an Ant. He stopped 2 inches away from Kin and stared into his blank eyes, and kin stared back into his, indirectly of course, and as the two continued to stare at each other, Kin’s right eye started to drift lazily to the left.

“KIN!!” The instructor boomed in the young mans ears.

“Why do I get to you so much Master Clegger?” Kin’s eyes realigned themselves and focused on Clegger’s Chest, since looking up at him would use too much energy. Clegger was like a building with feet.

“You have total disregard to sword fighting, you rely too much on your fists Kin.”

And the two stopped there, no one made any sound, even the sound of their beating chests had actually dissipated into a small tapping noise. Master Spinster clenched his fists tightly after a mere 10 seconds of staring into each others eyes, and this gave a warm feeling to young Kin’s heart, mischievousness was in his blood and it fuelled him since birth.

“Want to punch me Spinsy? Or will you disregard your swordsmanship…like a pussy!” Kin spat.

“Boy, I will rip up the floor boards and use the planks as tools to maim you with!” master spat back but this time with a slither of phlegm.

“Spit in my face again and I’ll launch your nose bone into your FUCKING BRAIN.”

“Hey you, kin, if you continue to use up Master Spinster’s time I’ll be forced to deal with you myself…” A silent and shrill voice attempted to shout from the doorway, but failed miserably.

Kin obeyed the man out of pure respect maybe because of the status he had been given; he wore the robes of a lieutenant but had the stature of a rat. As Kin started to make his way toward the small shrivelled man he shoulder barged Master Spinster and the old man finally lost it. His face totally turned red and his hair relaxed to the point that it drooped down to his shoulders instead of staying upright as it originally was. He unclenched his fist and pounded Kin’s face with his palm and took hold of his head, lifting him off the ground the old man grinned in Glee. The Boy started to struggle under the strain Master Spinster was slowly increasing on his head, as if crushing his skull all together, the sounds of crackling was being heard by Kin himself, his face’s structure was beginning to submit to Spinster’s raw strength.

“AHHHH”

“Master Spinster put the boy down!” The shrivelled man once again failed as he attempted to be intimidating.

“H-help me…” Kin’s voice was beginning to sound muffled and he was slowly but surely losing consciousness from lack of air.

The small rat like man from the doorway watched the young boy kick and punch the most resilient torso of master spinster, but as a glistening drop of what seemed like a tear drop and fallen on the floor, all the struggle had dissipated, he had either lost hope, or was dead, and in the shinigami world, both means death.

“I think the boy has had enough, don’t you lieutenant Cache?” Master spinster calmly said, slowly releasing his grip of Kin’s Cranium. But weirdly enough as he started to loosen his grip, Kin’s strength instantly returned to him, and to prove this recovery of his he raised his right hand, curled it into a fist, and started to repeatedly pound Master Spinster in the Jaw with all his force.

“This boy has Fight in him…” lieutenant cache started to shake with pure amusement; it was somewhat erotic to him.

“KAH!”

“Master Clegger must have these boys under wraps…to have them still working even though this is happening.” The lieutenant whispered. “ALL OF YOU, AS LIEUTENANT OF SQUAD 11, I COMMAND YOU TO STOP PRACTISE AND EVACUATE THE DOJO.” Suddenly the small mans voice boomed the walls of the dojo making every wooden swordsman jump in fear and run to the nearest exit which incidentally was the doorway the squad 11 lieutenant was standing in, so it defeated the object of running away from the scary noise all together, but they all gathered the courage to run past the man.

“Boy you must have a-” Master Spinsters immediately tightened his grip again and lunged kin’s head right into the hard dojo’s floor boards. “Fucking death wish!!”

Kin’s body had one last jolt of energy in an attempt to give master Clegger another full blown punch, but unfortunately his will power wasn’t enough to guide his hand to the old mans jaw, and flopped lifeless on the floor, along with his head and legs, he was finished.
“Don’t you think that was a little to much Master Spinster?” Asked lieutenant cache in a slightly worried tone.

“Ha-ha no, we do this nearly every time we have swordsmanship lessons, since he refuses to participate” The Master got up right and adjusted his neck and right arm, old age was already setting in, it started to raise the questions ‘how old is he?’

“Oh…a kido student? I hear they don’t really have that much interest in fighting.” There was a small tone of disappointment in the man’s voice; it seems the tone of his voice changed as it pleased.

Master Spinster rubbed a patch of blood on his face and smiled at the much smaller man than he, about 5 ft 2 in height total. He winced in pain slightly as he continuously rubbed the right side of his face, relieving it of some of the blood.

“Do you really think a kido student would be able to punch like that until his knuckles bled?” The master said, removing his hand from his face and showing the lieutenant his seemingly untouched cheek.

“Wait so that isn’t your blood? Hahaha, I should have expected it from the former squad 11 lieutenant Clegger Spinster.” The man smiled mischievously, enthuses on the word ‘Former’.

“Of course, ha-ha, the reason why I do this to this boy is to make him stronger, since he never participates in swordsmanship classes.” Master Spinster said with a large grin on his face.

“And why is that?”

“Ha-ha! The boy is a born unarmed fighter, he excels at street fighting, its either I flunk him out of this class and rid the shinigami arsenal of such a talented fighter, or train him each lesson on how to give a good punch, and put a passing grade on his report.” He had no regrets of telling Cache of his small miss deeds.

“Wow, more mischievous than ever Sensei Spinster, and what dropped off of him as you were crushing his head?” Cache was refereeing to the tear drop of course kin had dropped earlier on.

“his charm, its always dropping off, but the boy relies on it so much which is not good, today he’s living Reality at its finest…once he becomes a full fledged seated shinigami, he’s finish with the luxuries of Reality, only in fiction will he be able to be so reckless again…” Clegger took some time to simply gaze on the lifeless boy, his chest slowly rising and plummeting, so at peace, if this was an actually fight he’d be dead, but it wasn’t. That’s what scared him. “But cache I have a favour to ask…”

“Ask away then” he didn’t seem too pleased to give him any favour at this point; the reason for his pettiness was unknown.

“Well I would like you to get some info on two unseated shinigami for me, for this boy to perhaps befriend, since he has none at this time.” Clegger asked.

“And who might those two be?”

“Maximus Ariya and Kuroi-Raion Yorudan” Clegger’s face turned absolutely serious at that moment, and at a blink of an eye back again to a pleasant smile. “Now tell those Rat-bags to continue their practise! Don’t ever come into my dojo and disrupt my lesson again, is that clear, Lieutenant cache?”

_________________
Kin Estigon

unseated, Shinigami

Lvl1

Age: 93

Shikai: Darkness and Light alike, vanish from my sight, Zoghan!

Spirit:
HP 10
Reiastu 10
Body:
Strength:3
Agility: 5
Endurance: 2
Rei: 0
Skills:
Swordsman: 0
unarmed: 7
Shunpo: 3

Exp:46/50
Shikai ().
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Shad
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Registration date : 2008-12-26

PostSubject: Re: Reality at its finest.   Wed Jun 02, 2010 2:02 am

Yay for new character! : D

Ahem.

Onto the chapter...

Structurally wise, it was good. The grammar was off in many places though, and I know it's not one of your strong suits, but try and proofread your work more to cover up those tiny blemishes in the writing. Also, when writing, spell out numbers:

From your writing:
Quote :
Master Spinster clenched his fists tightly after a mere 10 seconds of staring into each others eyes, and this gave a warm feeling to young Kin’s heart, mischievousness was in his blood and it fuelled him since birth.

10 seconds should be ten seconds.

While your work is usually entertaining, I find that these tiny errors littered throughout your work are detracting from the piece as a whole.


You also have a tendency for run-on sentences. The part that I put in quotes above is an example of that in your writing.

So yeah, that's mostly it for my critique. Basically, I want you to proofread. And then proofread again.

I'm awarding 7 exp for this.

As a sidenote, I think that the omake was pretty good. I like the name drops at the end. Makes me wonder if Yorudan and Ariya are going to become good friends with Kin. Haha, always good to have good friends! Keeps your character from being alone, you get allies that could potentially help you in dire situations, plus you get some communication with other writers :O which is a + because that can easily lead to awesome turn-based threads.

Ps. Kin's totally reckless. Attacking his sensei for god's sake. D: Poor Master Clegger v.v

_________________
Name: Fuwa Takeshi
Race: Shinigami
Rank: 10th Division, unseated
Zanpakuto: Name not revealed yet (Will introduce as omakes are posted and plot is furthered)
Shikai: N/A
Bankai: N/A

Spirit Stats
Hp- 10
Reiatsu- 10

Body Stats
Strength- 3
Endurance- 2
Agility- 3
Reiatsu Control- 2

Fighting Skills Stats
Swordsmanship- 2
Kido- 3
Unarmed- 1
Shunpo- 4
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Blazonio
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PostSubject: Re: Reality at its finest.   Wed Jun 02, 2010 5:23 am

yeah i had a hunch that the writing was off, but couldn't be bothered to re write parts lol.

_________________
Kin Estigon

unseated, Shinigami

Lvl1

Age: 93

Shikai: Darkness and Light alike, vanish from my sight, Zoghan!

Spirit:
HP 10
Reiastu 10
Body:
Strength:3
Agility: 5
Endurance: 2
Rei: 0
Skills:
Swordsman: 0
unarmed: 7
Shunpo: 3

Exp:46/50
Shikai ().
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